My Theory on Age, Weight Gain in Women, and the Health Benefits of Swimming

Oh, you’re gonna love this because, well, let’s see now, I’ve been working on it for a good 30, 45 minutes and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it nailed.

You ready?

Here it is.

The reason women so easily gain weight as they get older – and no, I’m not talking about me! or you, for that matter! – is that once they reach a certain age, the Tribe, whoever the Tribe may be, realizes that said woman is no longer bearing children, has slowed down a bit, and has accumulated enough knowledge so as to be a pain in the hairy backside of whoever is running this here outfit.

At some point, she will be lured out toward the frozen coast, where she will be set adrift on an awaiting chunk of ice..

The extra poundage? It’s to give her a fighting chance of getting off that iceberg.

All of this occurred to me on the bus the other morning when a rude, lanky young man pushed past me with all the indolent sneering of one who has yet to contemplate his own mortality.

He’s not aware of it, but I suspect that in the back of his tiny, wrinkled brain, there is an ice floe with my name on it.

It’s just a theory.

Now if you’ll excuse me – and should anyone need me – I will be hiding in the elevator bank, lying in wait for the pink-cheeked young things working their way up the corporate ladder.

They’re younger than I am, but they’re soft and they’re naive.

And I’ve been training for this for years.

Because before they lure me toward the open water?

I’m gonna get their lunch.